Agreement Reached, Biggest Bail Out in History

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Federal lawmakers and the White House reached an agreement late Tuesday night on a $2 trillion stimulus bill that amounts to the biggest bail out in American history. It follows draconian, government-forced closures and shutdowns in response to Wuhan Virus fears that immediately created a historic and rapid slide from boom to bust across America. What a difference a few weeks makes.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) are our White Knights riding to the rescue.

“We have a bipartisan agreement on the largest rescue package in American history,” Schumer said after the agreement was announced.

“So many people are being put out of work through no fault of their own. They don’t know what their future is going to be like, how are they going to pay the bills. Well, we come to their rescue.”

It’s true, people are being put out of work, their businesses ruined, their lives thrown up in the air, through no fault of their own. Oh, how noble these heroes are, saving us from the scourge of…government mandated closures that ruined the economy in a week…by borrowing money from our grandchildren. Gee, thanks.

In broad stokes, the plan, according to reporting from NBC and others includes:

• People making up to $75,000 a year are expected to receive checks for $1,200. Couples making up to $150,000 would receive $2,400, with an additional $500 per child. The new agreement removed the phased-in provision that would have excluded lower-income Americans from receiving the full benefit. (The payments would decrease for those making more than $75,000, with an income cap of $99,000 per individual or $198,000 for couples, because socialism;
• Roughly $100 billion in assistance for hospitals;
• $350 billion in assistance to small businesses;
• $500 billion in bail outs and loans for corporations, including airline companies and cruise lines, because taxpayers are apparently responsible for making sure unlucky corporations are made whole again;
• About $150 billion for state and local stimulus funds;
• Expands unemployment benefits to freelancers and such, and increases payments to near ‘full pay’ for as long as four months; and,
• Billions in pure pork, Democratic agenda items, and pet projects, because why not?

Congratulations, America. We’ve been completely fleeced by authoritarian, Main Street-killing mandates, and now our benevolent leaders are offering us our grandchildren’s tax money to lessen the sting of being left out in the cold.

Or maybe the majority of the countries elected leaders could simply take their boots off of our throats, stop the fear mongering, and let us get back to work?